I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
