I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.