Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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