tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
