Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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