Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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