BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
