R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
