If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
