He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
