i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
