can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
