I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
