he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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