She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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