I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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