I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
