Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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