Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
