Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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