I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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