Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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