yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
