Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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