I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
