theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
