It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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