I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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