My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
