we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
