We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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