I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood