I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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