She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
