you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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