I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
