I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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