I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
