when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
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$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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