Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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