Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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