Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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