when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
