I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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