I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
