Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
