He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
