you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
