he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and she was petting her beer can
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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