if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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