meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
