Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
