last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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