i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
