I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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