You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.