Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.