i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
